A Few Reasons Why I Hate Myself

1) I don’t want to be defensive, nor make this seem more important than it reallyis, it’s just something that I noticed, …, that although I am heterosexual (which again,I don’t want to imply is important (I mean it is to me, and has been to a few women, but that is not the topic tonight). So, anyway, I’ve noticed that although I’m heterosexual, I only ever usethe phrase ‘Fuckin’ Cocksucker’ when referring to an attractive man. It’s not this fact that I dislike, but that I am unwilling to dwell long on the reason for it.

2) You know wet noses.Animal wet noses, dogs and cats. I’m sort of addicted to them. I mean I like the animals too. I can scratch them and pet them for quite awhile. And I always let them come to me. So it is their choice. But I just love the feel of a wet nose against my hand. So I am constantly touching it, even when I cantell that they are sort of trying to avoid it. I mean, I’m never holding them down or coercing them with anything other than continued affection – I’ll pet you if you let me touch your nose. But I am in a power position, so it still reeks of exploitation. I’ve tried various mechanical wet noses but none of them have that perfect combination of texture and temperature: not a sponge, more like an almost infinitely finely packed brush and cool but no sense of chill. I’ve been trying to break the habit, but no luck yet.

3) I make good money. It’s just the nature of my profession (software engineering, not writing), no inherent skill on my part. And I don’t give as much as I could to charities. And although I realize salary is unimportant, I nonetheless seem to find many occasions (like this) to mention it.

4) Sometimes I wonder how my relationships with my acquaintances would change if I believed in the whole Jesus story, literally, and knew that it was I (in a previous life)who had been staying in the last free room in that inn. Let’s imagine Joseph actually had a reservation. He was that sort. But maybe I was feeling a bit queasy from some sweet curd I’d had in the afternoon and decided to extend my stay one night. And I was a regular customer there. I traveled for business.So out goes the pregnant woman into the stable. Which is a pretty important bit in the story, so in some ways it makes me as much the father as God. Well, maybe that is extreme, but as much as Joseph at least. What did he really do besides keep his mouth shut and not knowhow to bribe the desk clerk?Anyway, when I wonder about this I realize that feeling some sense of kinship with God wouldn’t make me feel anymore disconnected from the mass of the world around me.

5) And this woman I used to work for. A nice person really, a friend too. She thought the world was just amazing, all the time. It bugged the heck out of me. And I took to hiding my little boxes of smarties, rolos, whatever, any little chocolate tidbits I would get for a snack. I would keep them in my top desk drawer, and just sneak them out one at a time when she wasn’t looking. It’s not that I really didn’t want to share. I just didn’t want to have any involvement in making her world an even more amazing place.

6) And I can imagine reading the section above to her, just to be mean.

Just a few of the reasons why I hate myself.